Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.

Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.

Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?

Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.

*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*

her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting

me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?

her: adderall

Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.

I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment

Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.

Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.

*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.

“just sayin” who asked you though?

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch

Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom

they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one

*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store

[First Date]

Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.

Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.

Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..

One. Kernel. At. A. Time.

“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week

if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month

My dryer is celebrating lint.

Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.

I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.

God: You get all the animals in?

Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out

*The walls turn red and start hissing*

Noah: Oh no

I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.

the top three reasons people break up:

-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types

*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*

Okay how about now

Driving in Europe vs Canada

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.