interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 馃槼
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Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
me: it’s bedtime.
my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
The old gods are rising again.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Feels
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
I think ya鈥檒l would be shooketh to know my name isn鈥檛 really SingleBabyMama.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.