Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.

Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?

Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.

9-1-1 what’s ur emergency

“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”

Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing

At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.

Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.

Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?

Me: What?

Brain: Eat brownies about it.

Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.

Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.

Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.

You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.

Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it

4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?

Me: What do you mean?

4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?

Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good

All. The. Damn. Time.

The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.

He’s got some nerve.

Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.

My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.

The human race is doomed.

The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”

He loved it so much he walked himself up.

*Rides unicorn to work*

*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

*Chats with mermaids*

*Argues with Medusa*

*Gets called in to HR*

*Fails drug test*

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.

He died doing what he loved.

He didn’t know she was married.

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned

I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.

Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.

my lawyer: deny everything

me: no