Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.

when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.

5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend

USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?

me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead

“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”

Caller:

“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”

me: can we stop at olive garden

mom: we have family at home

Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party

Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??

My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.

She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.

Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.

Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.

Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*

Me: Dammit.

just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire

Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.

Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.

Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.

Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.

Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.

We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.

I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.

Wife: please stop eating so much salt.

Me: why?

Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.

Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?

Wife: [pours more salt on my food].

It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”

Like imagine if donuts could run.

how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before

My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up

Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.

remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer

You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”

Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”

“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”

My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.

yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…

Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore

Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word