Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
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Leftovers are for quitters!
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
He just like my cat fr
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
husband: *worrying*
me: I don’t think you should worry about that
husband: well what should I worry about instead then
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.