Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?

The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.

Follow me for more life hacks.

Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look

Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead

– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?

Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr

[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.

If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.

My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.

oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot

Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician

Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH

Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.

[puppy farm]

PUPPY: Crops look good this year

I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.

As long as that distance is 300 miles.

Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”

Get off my horse you stupid moon

MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit

*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.

Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.

I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch

Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.

I stand out like a peanut in a turd.

Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls

sometimes we need to be reminded

At least try to make it slightly believable

Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America

You: 2020 couldn’t get worse

Murder Hornet: Hold my venom

Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane

Judge: you’re representing yourself

[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back