Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.

*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.

What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?

Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.

Nose

I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.

I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes

Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES

Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.

yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.

Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳

“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”

Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.

I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.

My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”

The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.

I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.

as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit

Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”

I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’

Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak

I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.

me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate

them: why can’t you just say it’s raining

[first day in a new house]

Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home

Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit

Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol