Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
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[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
this is literally a CIA plant
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.