Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
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I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day