Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.

Uber Driver: Same, Girl.

Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.

Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?

aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2

REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries

[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing

realest tweet ever.

I followed you because you’re hot

-Mosquitoes

[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is

M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?

date: I like it when guys know what they want in life

me: *megaphone right in her face* ham

Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.

COP: I need to search your car.

ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.

Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.

You may want to rethink that.

is this how new cars are made??

[funeral]

minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*

guy in casket: i am literally dead

17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq

Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love

I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.

Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.

Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”

Smallpox sounds so adorable

I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot

I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.

i wish all

whales

a very

big

my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile

I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways