Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
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When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
new career option?
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality