Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
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Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “keith@fbi.gov”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.