Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
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I wanna be friends with this person
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Schr枚edinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?
God: you鈥檙e a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I鈥檝e chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you鈥檙e having a fight is a croissant cuz he鈥檒l try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that鈥檚 just a delicious way to end a marriage . you鈥檙e welcome .
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I鈥檓 fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I鈥檓 so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it鈥檚 your problem and鈥re you鈥id you just鈥rowl at me?
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Can鈥檛 wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Okay, that made me chuckle 馃槀
Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!