Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
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me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Great game to play with friends
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
the three branches of government
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.