Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Zombies never bite hipsters.

They taste fine.

We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.

127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.

Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.

Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.

“I challenge you to a duel!”

“Very well. The weapon?”

“Compliments.”

“A capital choice.”

“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”

It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.

do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them

It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese

passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?

jackfruit: oh nothing

7’s new favorite animal is the spider.

He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.

I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.

This is not me but this is me

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”

Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.

Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.

I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..

My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue

*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges

DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?

VADER: On the dark side.

DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?

VADER: Star bucks.

I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.

Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.

If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.

Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me