Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
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me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
nyc:
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I think about this a lot
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.