Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can

I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her

When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.

Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)

ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.

ME IN 2022:
Oh.

neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once

It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently

The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.

What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands

Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”

*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants

Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?

Because he had no acetol

My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.

*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*

“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.

[Watching Star Trek with my date]

ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.

FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.

Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.

Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour

You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.

Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.

Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.

You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet

Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me

A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.

He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.