Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
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My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
eggs benadryl
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.