Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research

The next wave of scammers will have old people call you

There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season

trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.

Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.

my brain: i hate that person

that person: hey that thing you wrote was great

my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities

My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?

“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”

“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”

Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”

Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”

Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert

I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team

every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble

My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”

“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.

[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want

her: i’ll have the lobster

waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster

Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.

Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.

My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.

I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.

[coming out of coma]

Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*

I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.

Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.

[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]

Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”

Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”

Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”

I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”

Diabetes: you’re my type.

Me: you’re my type 2

Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.