INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
My friends are like “don’t settle!” But I can see their husbands
Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
the last thing a carrot sees
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
adding to the discourse
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
