Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: what are you watching?

Me: See II

Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?

Me: not till it’s over

Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]

That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*

Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .

Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.

Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?

Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book

ME: I really love motorsport.

DATE: Do you like F1?

ME: I like all the function keys.

Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.

6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!

Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”

the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up

Twerking is the crocs of dancing.

* flips hair, potato chip falls out *

“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”

Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.

Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go

😁

[In meeting]

Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.

The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.

Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received

It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.

Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…

Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism

May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”

No wine. No peace.

Know wine. Know peace.

My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”