Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that

inside you are two wolves

Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.

Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.

[family feud]

Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…

Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN

I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast

me: family! regale me with tales of your day!

5: good

2: yes

hubs: same

Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.

Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.

Me: we’re going out tonight okay?

Toddler: yeah.

Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.

Toddler: yeah.

Me: start a revolution.

Toddler: yeah!

Me: Then we’ll go to bed.

Toddler: no.

Her: Have you seen the salsa?

Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom

Her:

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’

That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.

Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?

4: I taked it out of the trash can.

Me: *eye twitches*

Never mess with a sculptor, they have a ready made place to hide your body

Me: What did you do at preschool?

3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.

Me:

3-year-old: I need to lie down.

if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.

I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

[cleaning the garage]

ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway

12YO: ok which app do I use

ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app

12YO: is it on mom’s phone

ME: no app. push. the. broom.

12YO:

ME:

12YO: so should i download it

Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context

Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background

cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?

The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”

Birds & Planes.

You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.

Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.

I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.

Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.

Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.

Survivor: The Dryer Edition.

Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.