Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Updating my dating profile….

My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh

*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america

SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?

ME: oh, I don’t work here

*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*

There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.

If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future

I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*

My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”

-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.

I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.

If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday

YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]

GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK

my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.

Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.

Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.

*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*

I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,

Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said

Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?

Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?

35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.

Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.

I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭

Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself