INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?

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Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.


Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?


Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness


Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:

3) They need their rest.

2) Routine is important.

1) “Game of Thrones” is on.


“Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, GUYS!”

-me, parenting


Kudos to the cashier who astutely noted that “someone has a cat” while scanning the cat food I was purchasing.


Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.


Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.