Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@1Bad_Scientist

Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management

@WheelTod

Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?

@envydatropic

Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness

@Reverend_Scott

[helps little old lady across street]

ME: so can I be in your will?

@XplodingUnicorn

Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:

3) They need their rest.

2) Routine is important.

1) “Game of Thrones” is on.

@amydillon

“Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, GUYS!”

-me, parenting

@LittleMissAngr1

Kudos to the cashier who astutely noted that “someone has a cat” while scanning the cat food I was purchasing.

@SaraESpivey

5 out of 6 people enjoy playing Russian Roulette.

@realfunghi

Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.

@GotJbenny

Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.