INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
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Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.