INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?

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If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.


Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*



My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge

Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat


I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.


Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’

Hubby : It’s a scarf!


Mom: Why can’t you be successful like your brother?
Amazon: heh
Optimus: But I saved humanity from Decepticons!

Thanksgiving at the Primes


Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?


Finding a suitable boyfriend after 40 is like trying to thread a needle while riding a mechanical bull.


My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.


I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.