Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry

It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide

Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”

Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week

Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*

A horror story:

You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.

That’s it that’s the whole story.

Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.

#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!

one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom

I love you to the refrigerator and back

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus

Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.

My dad: Please let me speak to him.

Kidnapper: He’s here.

My dad: You left the fan on, again.

superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling

batman: dude, you can fly…

superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder

batman: what

Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.

Me: These are my legs.

Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron

Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,

My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend