Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.

prepare for carbonated trouble

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around”.

The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.

The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.

My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.

I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.

Guy: I want to be more than friends

Me: like business owners?

When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.

The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards

What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.

Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do

SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.

Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday

me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.

Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”

ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?

HER: I don’t even like you now

[at sperm bank]

“Do you have anything on clearance?”

If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter