Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!

Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.

Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.

jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch

Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.

A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”

Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.

Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.

6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?

A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo

Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.

Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.

And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.

Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.

Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume

A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic

bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery

banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*

bank robber: *points gun* not that cool

I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me

No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.