Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.

I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?

Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.

Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.

Me: What?

CRYING

My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about

A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

Wife: Can you turn on the oven?

Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]

Wife: why for everything

“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).

*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it

Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?

Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?

Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?

Her: My husband is having an affair!

Me: Really? Who’s catering?

I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!

I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.

Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.

But a little drama never hurts.

It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.

Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”

H: It’s called a wine stopper.

Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”

[exam room]

me: *waits patiently*

doctor: *enters physicianly*

My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?

So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.

On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?

Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.

I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.

My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.

[At the gym]

My body: WTF

Me: I know

Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?

Me: No, this is how it is from now on.

Body: *charley horse*

Me: Well played, bitch… well played

It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS

It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.