Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.

Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie

Devil: I’ve got an idea

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.

My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.

[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back

When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.

Don’t ruin this for me!

KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.

always be there

Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.

Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.

Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.

I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 2 hours.
Cheers🍷

love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face

me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings

boss: what time can you be here

me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now

boss: we’re short staffed today

me: i’m getting seized

*sees monster truck

*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork

[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*

Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.

Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.

The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?

My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.

if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell

‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?

Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?

-my kid who is about to get us burglarized

Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.

DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir

I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out

This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.