Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian

When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people

The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.

I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome

I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️

Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.

Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.

Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?

Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?

Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?

Me: yeah looks like it

4: I need my princess dress NOW!

Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!

4: Who are you talking to?

Me: Your servants

4: I don’t have servants

Me: Exactly

I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”

I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.

“Do you want the latest dirt?”

-No, but I appreciate the sediment.

Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown

Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie

Genie: *snaps fingers*

Me: …what changed?

Genie: your mom was shot in the woods

I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.

Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them

People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.

If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.

Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.

one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.

As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again

Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.

Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.

*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*