Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some

[after sex]

Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?

Her: yeah, I love crabs

Me: then I have some GREAT news!

Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.

I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”

my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends

The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”

*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for

*patting my infant son on the back*

you can fit a whole airplane in this baby

tour guide: here are the sharks

me: bitey boi

guide: …and over here, a swordfish

me: pointy boi

guide: get out of the aquarium

I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.

Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.

[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper

HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes

Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.

[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.

[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?

ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]

IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.

6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.

No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.

[Shark Tank]

ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic

MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?

ME: It ate my credit card

Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.

[restaurant]

Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese

Her: … you definitely don’t have permission

Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan