Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.

The address:

Childbirth is so beautiful

I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.

7-year-old: Can we leave the house?

Me: We could go for a walk.

7: And then what?

Me: Come back to the house.

7: I’ll just stay here.

“I just can’t help myself!”

—paramedic on his deathbed

I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”

I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.

Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*

Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife

If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.

4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.

Me:

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes

*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*

every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy

[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!

Priest: *stops talking*

Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*

I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.

I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”

Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”

My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.

I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:

a) that we were racing,

And more importantly,

b) that I won.