INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
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“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Someone called a truck stop a trailer park today and at first I was like “idiot” but then I was like that actually makes more sense
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos