Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.

[1st date]

HER: So do you have any hobbies?

SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor

HER: What?!

HIM: Just ventriloquism

A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.

Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.

Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.

boy: WOLF!

villager: nope, that’s a coyote

boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me

villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars

When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime

Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]

My cat: lol no

When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere

Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: I was going too fast?

Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze

Me: [eats ice cream slower]

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.

Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving

if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”

HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?

ME: my wife hears everything

HUSBAND 911: do I?

ME: what?

HUSBAND 911: what?

🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing

I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

dracula: you gotta stop

me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad

animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that

future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming

Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?

Aaaaaand…send.

In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me

Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.