Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.

*performs CPR on the turkey*

We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”

I wish other people my age weren’t so old.

I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.

I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.

WAITER: Can I take your order?

CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?

WAITER: …Dad?

CUSTOMER: …son?

[they embrace, finally reunited]

DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself

Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.

Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”

#milo

[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK

Yup

Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.

The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.

“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.

i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either

just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.

ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*

Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good

kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card

*takes card*

kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?

no

is this your card ?

no

*27 cards later* is this your card ?

no…

Me: *Posing nude for the first time*

Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh

Son: can I get lunch money

Dad: I have a boyfriend

Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*

*trying to start a tickle fight

Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’

How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?

With quad-ratic equations.

I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.

A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.

Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks