INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
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Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.