Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
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restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.
But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
i spent way too long on this
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.