Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?

You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?

How to sleep:

1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes

Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.

I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??

ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done

Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her

A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.

[makes eye contact with guy on bus]

Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*

New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.

Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?

Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do

Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.

I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.

I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups

I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof

Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.

Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.

DATE: I love playful women

ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-

[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.

[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome

Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.

[10 mins later]

Also me: I guess this is later enough.

My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans

The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.

I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.

me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash

date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders

Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”

Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”

As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.

The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

You’ve got some nerve

~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window