Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.

[after the apocalypse]

God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver

Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man

Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.

For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater

It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?

Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!

2016: imagine the worst case scenario.

2019: no, not like that, worser

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.

Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.

My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today

Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”

Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.

(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*

IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY

There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.

A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms

*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*

~ guys with ponytails

Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

“Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.

Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.

Husband: Great! What should we be?

Me: I meant me and the dog.

Husband: Of course you did.

People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.

me: *holding bowling ball*

friend: going bowling?

me: nope— playing enormous marbles

🤣🤣🤣🤣

[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE

Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?

Me: Please take my kids for a little bit

School: lol snow

Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?

Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!

3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!

They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars

I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news