Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”

“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.

I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.

I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”

Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet

vampire waiter: would you like to order?

customer: I’ll have a steak

vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?

Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.

How software testing works

narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-

toupeed eagle: what?

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy

Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.

When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF

We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life

Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.

A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.

me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?

Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.

Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭

grandma: more potatoes?

me: sure

*3 hours later*

grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?

me: *locking eyes* sure

*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few

Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph

OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.