Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop undressing me with your eyes!!

Use your teeth.

recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is

Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.

murderer: *stabbing me*

me: 🙂

murderer: doesn’t it hurt?

me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)

I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.

Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.

Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.

Couple goals

I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane

My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.

[pregnant with first child]

Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.

[two years later]

Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.

Wife: she’s fine.

When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.

I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.

Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…

Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.

Single Men say: Yes

Married Men: Try to hide

I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago

People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.

my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot

i don’t miss calls i stare at them

Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times

MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.

Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!

Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.

Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps

“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff

[opens fortune cookie]

be careful what you wish for

[opens another]

this is your final warning

Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house

Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.