Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.

Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.

Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!

Me: Sounds great, Dear.

DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.

[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that

Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured

After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit

How tf did it end up there?

My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.

If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.

I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…

[God making African animals]

Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.

There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.

Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me

Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality

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Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams

Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.

I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary

Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.

My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face

Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.

I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”

A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.

~ Peter Pan

Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?

imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog

Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*

Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?

Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.