Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
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ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
doing some research
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
🌱🌱🌱
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
This is a true ally.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!