Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
You Might Also Like
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business