Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
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S M O L
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
My dream job is getting paid to dream
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.