Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
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DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.