Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
You Might Also Like
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Did I do this right
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.