Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96

School supply list: box of 18 crayons

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds

One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.

Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.

People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.

If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.

If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.

I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.

Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.

Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.

I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.

They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.

what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog

Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”

Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”

Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”

I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.

My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.

I pray every night that I never become religious…

My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement

*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME

I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.

[cute guy approaches at bar]

Him: Hey can I…

Me: [blushing] Yes?

Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.

if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts

My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.

Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively

take the quarantine challenge!

come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods

bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.