Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time

Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.

I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.

After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.

Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.

Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.

A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist

Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.

Swedish for common sense.

I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.

HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes

Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”

first time at Hobby Lobby:

hello I’d like one hobby please

He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.

I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.

I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.

Health status:

Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.

Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.

If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?

Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.

I would guard your potatoes so hard.

Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…

‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’

A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

[eating chicken]

farmer: YOU AGAIN