Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
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Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
No chill.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.