Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.

I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time

I like my whiskey like my marriage….

On the rocks.

I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.

At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.

what the hell is this stain?

– a memoir

The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.

me watching my own Instagram story

Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.

It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…

yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away

Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then

Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?

My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix

Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor

Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget

work smarter, not harder

Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵‍💫

bad
worse
worst
worchester

“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked

Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.

I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.

Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs

Them: I think she already named them.

I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.

I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.

HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely