Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.

if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do

Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.

Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up

To all newly married guys…..

If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.

Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?

Thank you corporation very cool

Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:

While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”

oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun

Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Server: Have you dined before?

Me: Have I d- like in general?

Server:

Me: Yeah. Yes.

I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.

My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.

You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building

Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*

[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?

*Refrigerator hums loudly*

Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”

I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying

Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious

The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”

Maybe I eat too much pizza …

I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.

If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.

“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people

Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™

[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.

Merica.

[creating my Tinder profile]

Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]

Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]

me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol

when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour

Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!

Me: You’re right. *walks away*

One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please

My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.