Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.

Hamster: Poor baby.

surgeon: says here he also has night terrors

patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!

surgeons: ahhh!!!

*gestures to my unmown yard*

“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”

*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*

“This, too, is for the pollinators.”

*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”

“Pollinators.”

I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.

The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower

My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff

Sheep

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays

I can’t stop laughing at this

if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style

[last supper]

judas: this could’ve been an email

Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no

During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice

ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers

WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?

After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this

THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

*turns off lights*

*giggles*

Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone

The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.

There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it

Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.

Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.