Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean

Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?

~ Me as a therapist

Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.

8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard

6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda

doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix

me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR

I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

Traveler’s camo

*adds pineapple to your lasagna*

Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?

me: it’s bedtime.

my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?

You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.

stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue

Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…

It’s basically shitty Christmas.

When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.

How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.

Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.

Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻

Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.

Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.

idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page

boss: u should’ve been here at 9

me: why what happened at 9

Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.

7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.

Me: I am so in.