interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
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Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
My 7yo said that boys were bothering her at school so she yelled math problems at them until they went away.
I have mad respect for this strategy 🙌
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Please let me in.. 😂
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