Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.

Anyway, she’s my new life coach.

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.

If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle

I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.

You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.

People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.

America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?

Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling

Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦‍♂️🤷‍♂️

I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.

“Are you sure?”

I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”

I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

My mom: sure use any towel.

Also my mom: not that one.

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”

– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game

Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.

I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.

i spent way too long on this

Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*

McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.

THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI

[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*

My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.

Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.

My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

coming home late…

Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

Sign: Drive like your kids live here!

Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*

Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.