interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
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When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Always the camel, never the toe.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*