Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.

*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3

*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!

I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.

Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out

Me :

All Day At Night

RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?

ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*

I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

[Snake Owners Club]

Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.

[Me & like 3 other guys leave]

I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.

*eats it

[The Second Coming]

Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“

Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”

I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad

Me: so happy music makes me happy

Therapist: yea

Me: and sad music makes me sad

Therapist: yea

Me: and I’m sad

Therapist: yea

Me: therefore I should listen to sad music

Therapist: so close

Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.

getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.

If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.

What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?

Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?

I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas

Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice

i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg

6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.

*lights cigarette

Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

Sledding is the best! (until you have to walk back up the hill)

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.

I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.