Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
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Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
🎵 I can’t wait to
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.