Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
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me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
#Thanos #MondayMood
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.