Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
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I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds
Me: I was refilling my vape
Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print