INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
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date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting