INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
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If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.