INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
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Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you