Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore

Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

30 minutes was not the right answer.

If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.

Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.

And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.

going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous

Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.

*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap

[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS

I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time

Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick

Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites

“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.

Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not

If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.

Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.

Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.

Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.

This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers

Sharon, call the vet

Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!

Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”

If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?

[Christmas]

Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!

Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

nyc: