Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub

Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house

What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

[AA meeting]

Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist

Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?

M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious

“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher

They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.

I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.

Me: What’s your strongest weakness?

Candidate: …

*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up

M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!

Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?

Great grandma: No.

If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.

When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.

Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.

Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture

[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf

i will not be silenced

If you kill the question, what do you bury?

The question remains.

“so i had the dream again last night,”

priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?

DOG: Correct

Basketball

“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…

I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.

*seduces you by wearing a sundress

*ruins it by running in flip flops

Sesame Street: this is an educational show

Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that

Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one

Me: do that thing I like

Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.

Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”

Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”

When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

waiter: is everything ok?

me: *bubble noises*

That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.