Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-

phew.

wait…

[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-

motherf

I like to take long walks away from stupid people

It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions

If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.

r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice

“Damn girl, you look hot”

Really?

“Like a sexy little italian car”

DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?

trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business

(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name

Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.

The night is dark and full of terrors.

My day is long and full of meetings.

Same thing.

There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t

well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon

wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree

Cashier: That will be $82.07.

Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.

Cashier: That will be $82.03.

It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.

You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.

Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.

9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.

she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.

The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.

Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!

ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.

Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*

Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?

Breaking up

(be mature, be mature, be mature)

Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.

Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.

My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.

My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him