Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?
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even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
how DARE
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.