Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
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Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.