Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
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INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
how high up are we talkin’?
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”